Crying???

So I was lying in bed the other night in my usual "sleepless" mode....and I was suddenly overcome with the urge to cry. It was a brief episode and it came from memories of my aunt, who passed away in November of last year.

It occurred to me, after I calmed down, that I haven't cried a lot in the last few years. I mean, I have little weeps now and then, but the big wailing cry that is cathartic just hasn't been there...and I don't know why. As we get older, does the ability to express grief become a more matter of fact thing? Keeping our emotions in check...is that something that we think is more appropriate? For my part, I would like nothing more than a good cry. So why haven't I expressed the grief that I have endured over the last few years....

Maybe, in some way, we feel our own mortality, and thus don't want to dwell on the inevitable for too long.
I really don't know.

One day, I'm sure, there will be a trigger and the floodgates will open. I only hope that whom ever is in the area (if there is anyone around) they have ear plugs, a good solid shoulder that doesn't cramp up and a clean shirt....'cause it may be loud and long and wet!!!
On the other hand....I may just grab a stack of towels and howl by myself.

Slainte!

Gym or not to gym.......

So...after a nasty bout with a cold/flu virus which laid me low for a couple of weeks.....I started back at the gym this week.

I was uncertain as to how I would approach this....I originally decided to go back primarily because I'd already paid for it and wanted to get my money's worth. However, while I was driving down to the gym, I felt surprisingly light-hearted and pleased to be going there again. Admittedly, I had to scale back my routine to it's original state to accommodate my rather less than spectacular energy level.....but nevertheless, it was enjoyable.

I have found recently that I seem to be a tad obsessive about how I go about my exercise routine. If things interfere with the order in which I workout....I get stressed out and spend my time on the recumbent bike worrying about whether "my space" will be taken up by some other lady doing her workout. Sigh......so this time, I went into the whole experience with a new attitude....take what comes and deal with it. No stress, relax, listen to my MP3 player (loud to block out the rock music from the gym speakers!!) and try to mentally organize my day....with lots of space for me!! Going to the gym is pretty much necessary for me, but.....it HAS to be a good experience...otherwise, it's usefulness is limited. I like the idea of going to get fit....but I'm thinking that doing the exercise goes a long way to combating depression and other angst.

I shall keep it up and gradually increase the level back to where I was when I got sick. I am limited to what I can do...so most of my exercises are strengthening....along with the recumbent bike.

Wish me luck!!

Slainte!

ICBC

The other driver now says that she was simply stopping at the accident site as a witness and that she had nothing to do with the fact that I wound up on the cement barrier. ICBC says that since I didn't touch her car, it is only my word against hers but they seem to be giving her words all the weight.

She gave me her license plate number, her Driver's license number, her name, her phone number. What witness would do all that? None that I know of. A name and phone number would be all a witness would ever think of giving out.

At the scene, this lady was really nice. We even gave each other a hug. She took responsibility. She apologized and told me that she hadn't seen me. I believed she was the person she was portraying herself to be. I should have helped her be true to herself by getting her to admit her guilt to someone else while she was still in truth mode and no one else had gotten to her. Now she'll have to live with having changed her tune.

I'm sure there is a lesson in here somewhere. Now, in our 60s, life is too short for games. I want to be real.

Car Accident

I'm okay and so is the other driver but my poor little red "Ginny" is in the repair shop. She bled out all her transmission fluid in the middle of a cement barrier on 20oth Street. A car turned into my lane in an intersection and to avoid hitting her I went up onto this barrier. I came nose to nose with a yellow and black stripey post thing. The crunching underneath me was terrible. For a few days I will be driving a blue Yaris from Hertz. The other driver admitted responsibility for the accident. She swung wide to miss the curb as she turned onto my street and she didn't see me. I did have the green and I wasn't going fast. I may take me awhile to settle down inside though. I hate car accidents!

Saying No

Today I said no to something. I actually wrote an email and told a committee chair that I wouldn't do a job anymore. It is so hard for me to say no. In fact, I also quit another club at the same time. I'm trying to take some pressure out of my life. I wonder if it will work. I'm not telling my DH yet as he will have too many questions. I just want to quit these things and not talk about them to anyone.

The Cat Came Back

My DH came home, or should I say, I dragged him home? You see, I was supposed to pick him up from the bus stop a few miles from our house at around 11:30 p.m. I had to go to work the next day, and 11:30 would be late for me, but doable. I got there, it was just pouring cats and dogs, but he wasn't among them. I mean the bus stopped and he didn't get off. The bus started to take off again and I went running after it, waving my arms and shouting - you forgot my husband! Crazy driver never even turned around. So, what to do, what to do? We had discussed the possibility of his plane being late and that I might have to drive down to Bellingham to pick him up, but I sure hoped it wouldn't come to that. One person did get off the bus, I asked him if he had heard that a plane was delayed. He told me he did overhear talk that the bus was emptier than it was supposed to have been. I decided not to go home and check for messages, I would just try to find that airport.

Initially I had driven him down there and watched the signposts carefully so I could retrace my steps if need be. That was from a small border crossing east of us. Right now I was in sight of the truck crossing to the west so I decided to try that route. Surely airports are well signed and I would find it easily, even from here. Luckily I carry my passport in my purse so I didn't have to go home for that.

At midnight borders are pretty easy to cross. The guard asked me the purpose of my late night trip and when I replied that I was going down to rescue my husband from the airport, he gave me directions - turned out wrong, but at least he was friendly. Three wrong turns later, sightseeing in dark rural Washington, I finally found the airport. I parked, went in and found DH quietly reading a book. He seemed totally oblivious to any trouble and quite confident that I would find him and bring him home. How deluded can one man be. It was a total miracle that I found him.

DH was too tired to drive home, so we made two more adventurous wrong turns the other way, but at last we crossed back into our motherland. At quarter to two, I finally laid my head on my pillow and went to sleep. Cozy and warm now that my cat was back.

The alarm rang at six.

Things Fall Apart

Right now it's my ear. It feels plugged and annoys me something awful! However, no one can tell why. I've been to the doctor, the audiologist and the ear, nose and throat specialist. Still no answers. My own voice reverberates inside my head so badly I hardly want to talk and for me that is a real disaster. Nasal sprays did zilch. My hearing is apparently in the normal range. There are no visible or obvious lumps or tumours anywhere. So, now my last hope, the ENT guy, is sending me back to the audiologist. Maybe he/she will send me back to my doctor and I'll have gone full circle. Every-time I go from one doctor to another there are several months in between. Argggg! On top of it all I'm quite dizzy at times. It's all connected I'm sure. Is there any way they can diagnose troubles in the ear without cutting a person open?